I felt guilty. I was supposed to meet you for breakfast today and i overslept. Then when i woke up, i rushed to take a shower and would have taken a cab ride to your place. I am so sorry, for all the canceled plans i made.

Somehow i felt restless at home today. I don't like to be followed around the house, and i mean my own house by a 4 year old kid. And she is on my back and clings on me for the moment she woke up from sleep. I feel very very rimas..

Other than that i just sleep, ate and watch tv. I did basically nothing today. Anyhow, i will be miting you on this Thursday. Will have dinner and spend some good time with you before u go to phillipines ok. And now i have to get ready and go back to camp... see ya and take care..

Haix u... i don't know what happen between us. I was so looking forward to meet u today but then when i book out, we quarreled. I don't know how i have changed when i am in camp for the past four days. I was tortured. I wanted to cry in there but what keep me strong is the thought of saving money to pay for your school. I know that u think that i never think of you or would change when i joined the police, but seriously i am still the old me. I never changed. When i book out, even when you never told me, i know that you went to celebrate your friends birthday. I called you so many times and you did not answer. Only when i told you that Khai asked me to play soccer that you answered and were angry at me. I don't know why, but if u just say don't go, i won't. So bla bla bla all the messages and then u said i changed. So i stayed at home and think about what have i done to make u say dat. I still don't know why. Also i can't really message and call at anytime of the day. I can only call you between 7.30 to 9pm and then ard 9.30 to 10.30pm when i am in camp. The rest of the day i will be having training. I know u wouldn't understand but i just want you to know and also i want to know what have i changed... please tell me...

Why is my life like this.. full of suffering..

This is really a testing time for me.. I just discovered i lost abt $150 overnight. Damn.. I haven't even make any payments yet.. Now i don't know how to get the money for the payments.. Looks like everything will be postponed again.. Change of plans again..

I am worried for 26th November, what will happen on that day, and the days after it. I keep thinking of the worst possible that can happen.

Today until that day, i will be broke. All my upcoming pay have been planned. I can't do anything else for it, coz i will pay dearly for it. How? How? How? Oh god, how do i make all this thing go away.

Sleeping will set my mind away from all this but when i wake up, it will all come back. I want it away for good. I know i am the only one that can solve this. i can't rely on others.

I hope all this will end soon... For now, i am in no mood to talk to anyone or do anything.. i feel so stressed.

I am actually awake this late at nite... Got lots on my mind and i'm having headache..

I don't know why i am being ignored.. i stayed home saturday.. after my last msg to you, you still never replied. After dat i went to repair my bike and bring it home and dats it, still no reply... i msg you at night and i am being ignored. Haix.. Btw, i got something to give you.. Meet you soon..

Now about my other problems, i need to take the NS IPPT but still i don't know when to take it. And my b'day coming soon which means dat i have to take it before 6th november.. other problems is the usual debts which i have not settled till now.

But the one problem that makes me sick and feared the most is my court date. Yes, my court date. its on the 26th november. For beating the erp and paying the fines late. They somehow tracked and got me riding without paying road tax and insurance. So i'll have to attend court on the date mentioned. I don't know my fate. I know its bad.

Ok, this month pay will be gone in one day, and the upcoming pay is to pay for my insurance and road tax, as well as my debts if there's enough.

I'll meet you to pass u the things for you and not to forget your sweater. Then i guess after dat i will be going to work and back as the money left is just enough for it.

For my b'day, i just want a miracle dats all.

(I hope on the 26th nov, all goes well.)

I am nervous but its normal. The day before the interview i will feel excited and nervous.
I hope i can impress so i can leave this job.

But with this new job, i will have new things to think of. I hope everything stays good. I mean like now, i can go out with my dear, spend quality time with her and enjoy every moment of it..

Enuff of the interview... I want to talk about my dear... hehehe... i love her so much. I don't know how she feels for me... when i ask, she will always say "u rase".. hahahaha... keeps me wondering... Of course lah i will always think of positive... Who sia willl tink of negativity.. but still i love her..

Oh ya our outing was great.. went to marina, and suntec.. Went there like twice this month... hehe.. one during the 1st week of raya.. and once recently.. Ade je nak disturb me.. ah good lah, where can u find gal that kutuk herself. Even i never kutuk u seh... other ppl can lah i kutuk... Hehehehe.. but still we had fun.. oh ya, next time i want to try the tuna and egg crepes.. like nice.. huhu... And and my dear ask me eat lots in between meals, so i put on muscles... get it, muscles not fats... hehehehehe...

Ok2, now in my head got this song, womanizer... hahahhaa.. dear keep repeating it, her fren ayie freaking love it... hahahaha... ok lah... toodles.. i want to msg dear somemore.. take care...

My Status..
Future: Uncertain (looks dark)
Current: Struggling
Financial: Very tight
Mood: Indifferent
Career: Unstable
Social interaction: Hardly any
Relationship: Only one love

Its a struggle to wake up every morning and go through the days obstacle. My life have not been on the bright side. I am searching for avenues to change how i live and to change my luck but just as i started trying, i failed. I don't give up, i still keep on trying but without support, i am meant to fail. I got no one to fall back on. Family is a word that is hardly heard in this house. It can't be blame as everyone here has their problem and at the moment, it have always been every soul for them self... Now i have hit a point where i can't continue to write.. so till next time..

Shit la......

I am damn broke... Can't even go to work coz of it.... I check my bank account a few times today and i still haven't get my pay or see that the pay cheque had been banked in... Damn... Which means no money for the weekend to monday.. But if they banked in on Monday, the fastest to get it is on tuesday.... So how to work??? hmmmm.. Good Luck to me.. Should i blame the agency this time or blame me for sending in the timesheet late. I only managed to send the timesheet on tuesday.. Haix... See how lah... Damn bored and in no mood.

Ah yes, i am being ignored again... Haix...

Just an average guy. Nothing special about me. No heart, its been given to someone i called dear. Wish she would be with me again



talk like there's no tomorrow!